How to have a threesome: the conversation comes first

1. Know what you actually want

A threesome fantasy can mean very different things: being the centre of two people's attention, watching your partner with someone else, exploring attraction to your own gender, or a one-off adventure. Before you suggest anything, be honest with yourself about which version you want and which you would hate. It helps to say it out loud first, even to a fictional partner - that is exactly what the women on this site are for.

2. Bring it up as a question, not a plan

If you have a partner, raise it at a calm moment, not in bed and not after a drink. Ask what they think about threesomes in general before you suggest one. Listen more than you talk. A partner who says no, or not yet, has given you an answer, not an opening position. Never use the idea as a test of love, and never present someone as already invited.

3. Choose the third person together

The third should be an adult whom both of you would choose, who knows the full situation and wants to be there for their own reasons. Friends can work, but think about the friendship afterwards. Strangers you meet in reputable adult spaces often understand the etiquette better. Whoever it is, they should hear the rules before they say yes, and they should be free to leave at any time.

4. Agree the ground rules

Talk through what is on and off the table: kissing, oral sex, penetration, who with whom, whether anyone sleeps over. Agree a word that stops everything for everyone, and agree that anyone may use it without explaining. Decide in advance how you will check in during the night. Keep everyone sober enough to decide; consent given past tipsy is not consent you can rely on.

5. Safer sex

Agree on condoms and barriers before, not during. Change condoms between partners. Talk about recent testing honestly. Bring more supplies than you think you need, and lubricant. If anyone is uneasy about any of it, that is a reason to wait.

6. Pay attention to the person most likely to feel left out

In a couple-plus-one, it is often the partner, sometimes the guest. Keep checking in, make room, and slow down if anyone goes quiet. The best threesomes are the ones where all three people would happily do it again.

7. The morning after

Talk again the next day, all of you if possible. What felt good, what didn't, whether you would want it again. Be kind about the answers. If something went wrong, say so and listen.

Try the conversation first

If you are not ready to have this conversation with a real person, rehearse it. Every woman on this site has a threesome or party fantasy of her own and runs it by the same rules: someone asks, everyone says yes, anyone can stop. Talking a fantasy through with her is private, and it is a good way to find out what you would actually ask for.